Small changes over time
You might not be able to change the world, but you can change your small micro universe. When being informed about statistics or data driven information it can be disheartening sometimes and seem like the odds are against us. Whether we are talking about finding love in this dating world these days, the chances of getting into our dream college, or snagging a set of tickets to Taylor Swifts Era’s tour. It might seem insurmountable. Maybe there is a 1 in 10,000 chance of success, but if we never try and look internally and try to make our hopes and dreams and wildest wishes more tangible and real than we might never know.
In world with the odds always being told are against us why not just try and work on your end of things slowly helping manifesting what you so deeply desire? What you are surrounded by and around contribute and create our realities. This can be just as simple of the types of people you’re surrounded by, the things you say to yourself, or even noise and chatter we have playing in the background.
Throughout my journey I found myself always saying I only date assholes and guys who are unavailable. Do you think I was summoning available nice guys by constantly thinking and talking about the latter. nope! I actually found more and I kept blinders on trying to ignore the red flags flapping in the breeze with them. I learned when I started taking on responsibility and taking the onuse back on pieces of the puzzle that I could control I began to regain power in circumstances I thought I had no sway in. Yes, dating these days might be challenging, but am I trying and putting myself out there in positive environments for this. Am I open to love? Have I been working on myself and am I actually ready to receive this? Do I need to hit the reset button. I realized I was going into first dates and even dating sites already disheartened and jaded. I would return to past mistakes faster because I already felt doomed and thought that I didn’t deserve great things. Slowly I started doing the work. What did being in love and having a partner look like for me. What characteristics did they have, hobbies, how did they talk to me, what did we do together? This was a launching block for me and transformation did not come over night. Yes, I still fell for some old red flags, but slowly I realized that hey, wait a minute I don’t deserve that and I deserve to have great love. This began by doing some exercises around what I wanted, journaling, and making statements that I deserve to have great love. And before I knew it i was changing my dialogue with others and saying when another half hearted situation fell limp that they were not a good pick for me and I deserve great love. I started actually believing in what I was working towards and it might sound silly, but I had to internalize it repeat it and then Implement and practice it. When I began picking myself over guys I wanted to want to pick me or be with me I freed myself from the anxious feelings tied up with that.
One of my cousins wife shared with me several years ago how she had decided she wanted to date seriously for marriage and began dating and treating it almost like a second job. She had criteria, goals, and standards. At the time when she shared this I thought wow, must be nice. I also told myself at the back of my head that I was ready for love, and wondering why I had not found love like her. I recently understood what she was talking about when over the last several months I decided I wanted to actually seriously date and share my life with them. And I began weeding out the ones I felt meh about. The ones that weren’t consistently showing up or picking me. I didn’t feel anxious about it this time, there was no timeline, and I felt like I had options and the world was my oyster. I am not always naively optimistic and happy, but I found peace in my process and believed that I was deserving of great love and this was my year for something. I spoke about it to others and I kept myself open.
An event that helped really kick this desire into gear was after being in a minor car crash where I was rear-ended at a red light. Luckily no one was hurt and there was minor damage to both vehicles, but enough to jar me. At work I respond to car accidents all the time, I have a spiel I usually go through with people too about being in an accident and feeling sore after the fact. Ironically until this accident I have never been in a car accident myself. I am very used to working in stressful environments and responding to other people’s emergencies. It is different when you are personally involved in the event though, and the game changes. after being hit in my car I was pissed off and upset that this unplanned event that ruined my evening and would create a series of extra things I had to take care of. But in that moment I wanted to call someone. That person you call when something has gone wrong and you need to be reassured. My mom used to be my person for so long so I’ve been working on filling that in instances like this. Ultimately I didn’t have that person to calm me down, help me “adult”, or just talk to me while I processed and figured out what to do next. I am pretty self sufficient and independent most the time, but it’s important to have someone to lean on when things go awry. That’s when I knew I was serious about dating and wanted a person who could become my emergency contact and be that phone call. I have asked myself when debating about someone I was interested in, would they answer if I called?
